As I advanced to soft foods, I realized I missed chewing, but it would be weeks before I could have food worth chewing. The first days after the surgery were, as I was told they would be, the worst: a liquid-only diet - broth and Gatorade and sugar-free Jell-O. The surgery itself takes a matter of hours, and the recovery takes a matter of weeks, but changing the way you’ve lived for more than 20 years takes a lot more time. I hoped that by changing my anatomy, I would be motivated to change so much more - my relationship to food, my relationship to my body, my relationships with the most important people in my life. I struggled with every little physical thing while pretending such was not the case, as if I could imagine my way out of my body and into someone else’s better, smaller, stronger body.Īfter no small amount of research and internal debate, I made the decision. I struggled with my right to take up space and hold my head high while dealing with the constant clamor of loved ones and strangers alike telling me to change my body, to fix my body. This past January, I had weight loss surgery, a sleeve gastrectomy, after more than 20 years of trying to lose weight on my own, more than 20 years of trying to make peace with living in a fat body in a world that stands in constant judgment of this body.
#HUNGER ROXANE GAY THEMES SKIN#
I am still miserable, but I feel connected to my body because I am out of my head and fully inhabiting my skin and blood and bones. There is always a moment during my workouts when I do something I would have thought impossible, like holding a plank for 60 seconds or knocking out several sets at a higher weight than I’ve ever lifted before, or walking a little farther than the last time when we’re focusing on cardio. But I need external motivation to work out regularly.
It’s nice to believe that technology might be what I need to discipline my body. I have all sorts of gadgets and monitors to count steps and stairs and other forms of movement, like I am playing a video game as I move through each day, tracking my exercise and food and water intake.
#HUNGER ROXANE GAY THEMES HOW TO#
I know how to get my heart rate up and work out in the proper zone for the right amount of time. I know how to lift weights with the proper form. I have a general understanding of the exercises I should do at the gym. Related Story New study examines history of black women fighting to be respected as athletes Read now She is kind and patient, always checking in with me about how I am doing, challenging me without trying to break me. She has an impeccable body and a pleasant demeanor. Each session is 45 minutes long but generally feels like twice that. Three times a week, I work out with a personal trainer.
I still lived in my body, but I wanted nothing more than to escape it, and food helped me do that. My body became something that betrayed me when I needed it most. I loved reading and writing, and it was easier to live in my head than to live in the world where I wasn’t safe. Whatever tenuous relationship I had with my body disappeared. I learned what it means to feel weak and powerless. In the water, I was weightless and fast and focused. I marveled at the changes in my body, the newfound definition, the strength and power I felt. As I improved, I marveled at the progress I made.
Always, I tried to swim faster and faster. I challenged myself to stay underwater as long as I could before surfacing and beginning to stroke. I practiced flip turns endlessly, trying to push off the wall at each end of the pool with as much force as possible. I loved trying to perfect my form, cupping my hands just so, kicking my legs without creating too much splash. I loved pushing myself, seeing how fast I could get. The only sport I ever demonstrated any kind of aptitude for was swimming, which I loved because it was just me, trying to pull myself through the water as quickly and efficiently as possible. My parents, understanding the importance of an active lifestyle, enrolled me in all kinds of sports - soccer, softball, basketball - but little of it took. I wanted to spend all my time with books. I was a dreamer and something of an oddball loner. As a child, I was awkward and unathletic and uninterested in becoming athletic. I have long had a complicated relationship with my body.